The Absolutely, Definitely, Probably-True History of Westeros
As the most action packed season of Game of Thrones is drawing to a close August 27th, two Punished Backlog writers decided to grab a couple of drinks and discuss the entire history of Westeros to prep for the finale. One problem, neither has watched the show before season 7. PJ Manning (having read three and a half books) helps Jack Linnehan (complete novice) break down one of fantasy’s most detailed lores. The following is an edited transcript of their discussion.
Introductions:
PJ
So, Jack and I are here recording this audio, hopefully I can put this on the site at a later date.
Jack
Makes sense.
PJ
What we’re doing here–as a quick introduction–I’ve read three Game of Thrones books (on A Feast For Crows). I know solid backstory of Westeros history. You’ve read a little less than that. By that I mean absolutely nothing. You’re still going to tell us everything that has ever happened in the show, right?
Jack
I started on episode one, you know, of season seven? Watched all of it so far. I know random factoids from the internet, but otherwise went in completely blind.
PJ
So aside from occasional bit of trivia, all you know is Season 7?
Jack
I know what I’ve seen and the little tidbits I’ve encountered. I’m good at being confident with what I speak, so I can make up some pretty convincing historical events.
PJ
Perfect. Plus, you being a person, you have general ideas on how families work. “This is her father, this is her brother. No sex ever allowed within families, correct?”
Jack
Not in Westeros!
PJ
That was a trick question. So, before we get into the dirty details, what siblings are engaged in… extra “marital” relations?
Jack
What siblings aren’t? It’s just like our legal system. In America, you are innocent until proven guilty. In Westeros, you are having sex with your siblings unless you can prove otherwise.
Recap:
PJ
Perfect. Let’s recap everything in season 7 so far. This will be purely factual as you have actually watched what we’re about to talk about. Go ahead and tell us “Oh, Jon Snow of _________ has done _________”
Jack
Sure, so Jon Snow is the the bastard son of Ned Stark.
PJ
Oh! Correct!
Jack
He is the King of the North and left Winterfell to go to, uhhh, the place that Daenerys is at. I can’t remember the name. Dragonvale? It doesn’t matter.
PJ
Sure, close.
Jack
He went down to sweet talk her. Saying, “Hey, how you doin? Want to fight the White Walkers?” She’s all “That’s not a real thing. Also, bend the knee, I’m the queen.” He doesn’t want to because he’s the king also. So they have a two episode arc about who should be the real ruler, talking politics and stuff. Dany wants to take over the Iron Throne from Cersei, but Jon won’t stop saying he’s the king of the north.
Jon comes up with a crackpot plan to bring a White to the castle and show everyone he isn’t crazy. Everyone gets trapped and Daenerys saves the day with her dragons. One of them dies because of the Night King’s laser-like spear accuracy. Basically, he’s playing on All Madden difficulty and still throwing four touchdowns.
Before that, Daenerys took over the place that, oh what’s it called, the Lannister place? They were too busy killing the nun lady who runs the House Tyrell. You know, the grandma?
PJ
That’s actually completely correct. You absorbed a lot. Let me explain it like this, imagine the Lannisters were governors and the place they governed was called Casterly Rock. Now, one of them basically got elected as president, and the “White House” is a city called King’s Landing. So, their home base is Casterly Rock but rule the Iron Throne in King’s Landing. You got Winterfell where the Starks live and the Tyrells run Highgarden. You were completely right about all of that. I can’t remember the nun-lady’s name, it’s been awhile since I read a book with her.
Jack
Makes sense but I believe her name is Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music.
Jokes aside, he kinda nailed the comparison
PJ
Perfect. Now, what’s going on in Westeros because there is a lot of side-plots going on at the same time.
Jack
Okay, Cersei and Jamie are banging. That’s important because Cersei becomes pregnant with Jamie’s baby.
PJ
I’m actually gonna say no. Not because you were wrong, that she definitely says that in the show but–personal theory–I bet she’s lying. So back to siblings are having sex until proven innocent, they had the chance to prove themselves innocent and got very, very guilty?
Jack
“Alright listen, we’re gonna put you in a bedroom and are challenging you to keep your clothes on” and the second the door shuts, bam. They start doing it.
PJ
So Jamie and Cersei are actively “engaged.” Cersei has told Jamie and the audience she is with child and, honestly, I bet that will be answered in the upcoming finale. Do you know what the episode is called, by the way?
Jack
Uhh, Three Men and a Baby?
PJ
Better, it’s called “The Wolf and the Dragon” (Editor’s Note: I looked into it after our conversation, the episode is called “The Dragon and the Wolf.” For the flow of our conversation, I decided to keep our error in this article).
Now why would it be called that?
Jack
Because the wolf is the mascot of House Stark.
PJ
Yeah!
Jack
And the Dragon is the mascot of House Targaryen.
PJ
YEAH! And you know what that means?
Jack
They’re getting it on.
PJ
They’re getting it on so pretty.
Jack
Then I’d rather the episode be called “The Wolf in the Dragon” but that’s fine.
PJ
Let’s run through this quickly. The Lannisters, what’s their mascot?
Jack
Oh, I definitely know this… A lion, right?
PJ
It is indeed a lion. The Nun-lady of House Tyrell?
Jack
You know, I’m gonna also say lion.
PJ
Not quite: flowers. Specifically roses?
Jack
What a bunch of p*ssys
PJ
Well that’s why they got taken over so quickly. Their castle is also called Highgarden.
Do you remember any sailors? No? Maybe any Abercrombie-pirate who ask Jamie how many fingers Cersei likes up her butt?
Jack
Oooooh I remember that guy. He took Theon’s sister and did something with her. That was his uncle.
How can you forget a face like that?
PJ
Yup, Euron. He’s one of the Greyjoys. What’s their mascot?
Jack
From the sounds of it, I’m gonna say a giant finger.
PJ
Closer than you’d guess. A kraken.
Jack
Are you serious? That’s hilarious.
PJ
They worship the Drowned Gods. We can talk more on the religions later.
Jack
Of course, because they love drowning in p*ssy.
PJ
Well, sure, if you mean straight up drowning. Priests drown people during baptisms.
Jack
Oh, just like the Catholic Church, then.
PJ
Yeah, but the only difference is they keep it going until the air bubbles stop. Seriously, priests measure their holiness by their win ratio on successful CPRs post-baptism.
Jack
That’s how you become Pope, actually.
PJ
So Jon Snow went north with a whole cast of characters.
Jack
Yup the Hound.
PJ
Oh! Totally him. I’m surprised you picked him up.
Jack
Yup, and Gendry.
PJ
Big time. We’ll talk about him later.
Jack
Oh, uh, what’s his name . . . he has Dragon-Herpes? This is gonna piss me off.
PJ
So his name is Jorah and he has a lot of interesting motivations.
Jack
He also wants to get with Daenerys.
PJ
Good! Bonus points for beating me to the punch, there. His name is Jorah Mormont and his family is all over the place.
Jack
You know, that’s actually Romney’s middle name. He’s Mitt “Jorah” Romney.
PJ
Not gonna lie, I thought you would go with Mitt Mormont Romney.
So I heard this in a podcast recently, maybe I’ll tag a link. George R R Martin grew up reading comics and fantasy novels where pronunciation made absolutely no sense. So he is unbelievably forgiving on pronouncing these Westeros surnames. If anyone listening to this gives us a hard time on the way we’re saying certain names, even George doesn’t know the “canonical” pronunciation.
So we’re more or less caught up. Jon was hanging out in Dragonstone, not Dragonvale. You were thinking of the ever-popular, freemium app.
What Must Have Happened:
PJ
Now, let’s get into the history of the show. Start us off at the beginning and try and explain the context for everything that’s going on. You know, the whole point of this conversation?
Jack
Well, the beginning is the best place to start with all this. So I’ve heard a lot of random things about Thrones for a while and have some context.
We have Littlefinger. He was probably lurking around in the shadows making that face where his mouth is open but you can’t see any of his teeth. The Mad King, Dany’s dad, let’s call him Chad Targaryen, he wanted the Iron Throne so he took it.
You know the face we’re talking about.
PJ
So he didn’t have the Iron Throne, but later concurred it?
Jack
Works for me. He had to kill a lot of people so people called him the Mad King. That name made him really angry too.
PJ
So mad as in angry or mad as in looney?
Jack
Por que no los dos?
The problem is, the Mad King is gone. He left, no one has any idea what happened to him, not the fans not the characters. Do not believe anyone who says they do. But now who should rule over the Iron Throne? Duh, Joffrey.
PJ
So the War of the Five Kings all started because Chad Targaryen, or as his friends call him, Aerys Targaryen straight up vanished?
Jack
I think I made that abundantly clear, yes.
I know Ned Stark was the hand to somebody.
PJ
Yes! That’s the most true thing you’ve said so far!
Jack
Then he died and we have Joffrey.
PJ
All true. Now, who is Joffrey?
Jack
A little punk-ass bitch.
PJ
Well yeah. But Ancestry.com stays away from the phrase “punk-ass bitch” in favor of “son of _____”
Jack
Here’s the thing, when you’re the product of incest, you are a little punk-ass bitch, I don’t care what Ancestry.com says. From what I remember hearing, he is the son of “Jamie+Cersei Part 1.”
PJ
Absolutely correct.
Jack
I am doing so well. He ruled the throne from ages 12 to 12. He married Sansa Stark because she just is really attracted to twelve year olds and power.
PJ
If Joffrey is twelve, Sansa is also twelve in the show.
Jack
There is no way I believe you. She’s 35.
PJ
Regardless, why is Joffrey on the Iron Throne.
Jack
Duh, Cersei is a women and Jamie has one hand.
PJ
What?
Jack
Let me clarify, I have no idea.
PJ
Yeah, this one is tough. See, there’s a major character who died a long time ago that you just wouldn’t know.
Jack
Is it Robert Baratheon?
PJ
It’s exactly Robert Baratheon. That is the correct first and last name.
Jack
Nice!
PJ
So who is he?
Jack
Well Bobby B just stumbled along, as he was buddies with Ned Stark and Chad Targaryen disappeared–by the way, if you see any goat-milk cartons in Westeros, every single one of them features Chad’s face–Robby Baratheon said he was an adult so he’s better than Joffery, took the Iron Throne from Joffrey. Cersei didn’t like that and because Robert Baratheon is obviously a Baratheon–not a Lannister–and they killed him, probably.
PJ
Yes.
Jack
Spoiler alert, Jesus.
PJ
You said Ned died! That was the biggest spoiler to come out of the show. You lost all right to complain about spoilers after that. But that Robert backstory was much closer than you’d think. That’s almost right on the money. Who killed him? If you guess, you’d probably get it right.
Jack
The Kingslayer: Jamie.
PJ
No.
Jack
Joffrey.
PJ
No. I honestly thought you’d guess Cersei. No worries. Let me fill you in on a little backstory though to build off of. So Ned Stark’s dad and brother–when they were reigning Winterfeld–went to the Mad King Aerys, to talk some sense into him.
Jack
Are you sure that’s his name?
PJ
Honestly, no. There are a lot of Targaryens who’s name start with “A.” But the Mad King lit them on fire. Robert led something called Robert’s Rebellion with Ned and a bunch of other lords. “Chad” didn’t go missing, he was murdered.
Jack
See, but that’s why he went missing. He died.
PJ
So who killed him. This is important?
Jack
. . . Testicular cancer?
PJ
We talked about this before we hit record. Who’s got the fancy nickname?
Jack
Jaime Lannister is the Kingslayer
PJ
There we go!
So as Robert ran the rebellion, everyone decided to name him the new king of the Iron Throne.
Jack
Exactly like George Washington.
PJ
Actually, very similar to George Washington. Robert didn’t want to be king. He just wanted to adventure and roam around the land drunk.
Jack
I clearly missed that history lesson.
PJ
Well, the “not wanting to be ruler” part at least. So who was he married to?
Jack
Kate Upton.
PJ
Again, much closer than you’d think. Who’d he marry, Game of Thrones-wise
Jack
Daenerys Targaryen?
PJ
No! He actually tried to assassinate her. Robert married Cersei for political reasons and had a son, Joffrey.
Jack
Now hold on just a minute. Jeoffry is Jamie’s son?
PJ
That’s exactly why Game of Thrones started. Ned and Cat–I won’t ask you who she is because she is long gone at this point.
Jack
(In a matter of fact tone) Cat is Ned’s wife.
PJ
Well yeah. But they had a hunch that Joffrey wasn’t the legitimate heir to the throne. Some dude named Jon Arryn told Ned that in a letter. This is where the show picks up; all that Mad King stuff actually happens before the show even begins. Cersei eventually kills Robert Baratheon in a “hunting accident” and Joff takes the throne. Ned got too close to the truth on Joffrey’s origins and was beheaded by Cersei.
You know who Dany’s father is, you get why she isn’t popular. What is her story?
PJ and Jack went on a very long tangent about how Dany sounds like Annie, what Annie would be like if it was really the movie Misery, and how PJ has no idea how to properly facilitate a conversation about Thrones
What Actually Happened:
Jack
So she just booked it?
PJ
Yes. I’m not sure how to naturally guide you to this conclusion, but she had two very important brothers: Rhogar/Radar(?) and Viserys–Radar (Rhaegar) being the oldest and Viserys being the middle child. I gotta figure out how to make you guess all this stuff… Maybe I’ll just tell you.
Okay, Radar (Rhaegar) is dead and Viserys and Dany travel to a far away land called the Free Cities. Viserys sells his sister into marriage with a horse-lord who runs a band of fighters called the Dothraki.
Jack
I know them.
PJ
Right, she runs them all now. Viserys wants the Iron Throne and his crown and he keeps bitching about all this. “Hey, when am I gonna get my crown? When am I gonna get my crown” like a total jerk. So the leader of the Dothraki, Dany’s husband, melts a bunch of gold and dumps it all over his head, scolding him to death in such a cool scene. Actually, one of the first, big on-screen deaths we get. He “gets his crown” and he dies. Now where do we take this conversation? I guess on her wedding night, where she gets graphically raped for three months, she gets three fossilized Dragon eggs. Her husband gets curse-killed and now Dany is infertile. So by her husband’s funeral pyre, Dany gets really sad, she ended up actually loving her husband in the end. She takes all three eggs, walks face first into the fire. Her clothes burn off and her breasts start leaking both blood and milk at the same time and that hatches all the dragons. That is the 100% true story of how Dany got her dragons.
Jack
Meth is a hell of a drug. That also sounds like the worst STD of all time.
PJ
This is what we are watching right now! That’s why she’s the mother of dragons. How was I supposed to get you to guess that?
Let’s talk about Ned’s kids. Who are they?
Jack
Sansa, a totally bland women. Bran, a cripple and the three eyed raven from That’s So Raven. Arya who was a boy for half the show and now collects faces.
PJ
Sansa, by the way, is the only one who looks like her mother. Oh wait, there’s Robb Stark. He looks like her too. Who’s that?
Jack
Westeros’ Rob Kardashian
PJ
Maybe? Robb Stark was never married to Black Chyna
Jack
Robb Stark went to college, got a Bachelor’s Degree in the Fine Arts and is currently a Financial Planner.
PJ
. . . I’m gonna say no. Robb was the first King of the North after Robert and Ned died. In addition to Robb, Renly and Stannis Baratheon both wanted to be king. Maybe Dany counted in the war of the Five Kings, maybe a Greyjoy? I don’t remember. How am I supposed to write an article about all this? Do you remember the very first scene of Season 7 when Arya wore as an an old dude’s face and made an entire room of people drink a bunch of poison?
Jack
I came to your house late. Wait, she can do that? Well no wonder I was confused when she went all Buffalo Bill on her sister!
PJ
Oh yeah. Long story short, Arya always wanted to be a swordsman, ran around Westeros for a while until she became a facelesss assassin or something. That old dude killed Robb Stark and sowed Robb’s dog’s head to his neck at a wedding. We should move on to Jon Snow though, we’re running out of time.
Jack
Sure. Jon is Ned’s bastard son, meaning he was conceived out of wedlock before Ned and Cat–see, I’m learning–got married.
PJ
Cat is definitely not Jon’s mom. Do you want to guess who Jon’s mom is? There’s a very popular fan theory the show’s confirmed and the books have yet to touch. Who’s Jon Snow’s Mom?
Jack
Cher
PJ
Who’s Jon Snow’s dad?
Jack
Ned Stark
PJ
No! And that’s the theory. See, Ned was way too loyal to spawn a bastard son. The theory is Dany’s oldest brother Radar (Rhaegar) is the dad and Ned’s sister who we never talked about is the mom. So there was a crazy tourney and when Radar (Rhaegar) won, he used a crown of blue flowers to dub Ned’s sister the most beautiful maiden in the lands even though she was sitting right next to his wife. So the two of them ran off to the Tower of Joy, there was a big battle, and Ned found his sister lying in a pool of blood going “Promise me Ned. Promise me,” and she died. The whole series is called A Song of Ice and Fire. If Jon is half icy-Stark and half dragon-Targaryen.
Jack
That’s the Ice and Fire! Oh that’s awesome.
PJ
It’s pretty cool, yeah. Bran had a vision about it too so it’s legit. That honestly sums up most of it. The Song of Ice and Fire could also mean the obvious mashing of elements Jon and Dany are probably gonna do in this finale. That about closes us out. Anything else you want to add?
Jack
I am so ready for this upcoming episode.
PJ
Me too. I’m hoping we get to do more of these conversational articles going forward. Their a lot of fun to record. Alright, that does it for us. Hopefully people comment nicely on what we had to say.
This sums up our conversation well. However, look out for the full audio coming sometime after the Season 7 Finale where we talk about all this and much, much more. Including Ricken Stark’s tragic existence, Clegane-bowl, Varsy moonlighting as a mermaid, Jorah just constantly being friendzoned, and that Sam Tarly fella.
Comment below to tell us how we did. PJ has recently published a Review of Persona 5 (a game he loved) and Jack wrote a Power Ranking of the Until Dawn cast (a game that scared him senseless).
