“I hope none of my co-workers were planning on using the toilet anytime soon. I’ve just started another Overwatch match on my Nintendo Switch, so there’s no use in me getting off the hot seat until it’s over.”
The latest Nintendo Direct was a dream come true in terms of new games coming to the Nintendo Switch in the near future. A cavalcade of titles was announced, both new and old, that will be dropping on the eShop by the end of 2019. But none of the games announced excited me more than Overwatch. At last the Switch will be justified in having its Joy-Con detached from its body — so that I can throw them across the room, into a wall, when I lose yet another competitive match due to my incompetent teammates. Watching them failing, yet again, to come together and capture a point as a collective unit, and instead act like a bunch of monkeys on speed, will be the most exciting moment since I had my wisdom teeth removed.
I cannot wait to be disconnected halfway through a match and penalized despite it not being my fault, again. I am positively aroused at the idea of spending an absurd amount of money on loot boxes to try and get that one skin for my main… but through Nintendo’s comfortable and well-designed eShop. My mobile data bills are going to be incredibly high as soon as I get my hands on Overwatch, as I’ll want to play it on my long bus ride to work, and since it’s an online multiplayer shooter, I’m going to really need my hotspot. It’s fine, I didn’t need money for groceries anyway. It’s portable now; that’s all that matters.
Goodbye family and friends — you can find me crouched in the corner of my room, where I believe the internet connection to be the strongest, screaming at the Nintendo Switch’s beautiful high-definition screen as the enemy Junkrat blows me up with his rip-tire for the third time in a row. I hope none of my co-workers were planning on using the toilet any time soon, because I’ve just started another match, so there’s no use in me getting off the hot seat until it’s over.
When I inevitably get fired from my job I’ll view it as an absolute win; it means I can go to a cafe with free wifi and spend those eight hours actually doing something productive — like getting a gold weapon skin for Ash, because it turns B.O.B. gold too, and that is just delightful. No I do not want to go on a date with you; I need to play more competitive matches so my score doesn’t decay due to lack of play time. Try someone else, Stephanie; I don’t need a girlfriend when I have intense portable multiplayer action.
My nipples are as hard as diamonds at the mere fantasy of using the Switch’s intuitive motion controls to aim, and inevitably smashing the console off a lamppost because I’d lost all sense of spacial awareness — it’s not my fault, we were in overtime, nothing else mattered. In a few months I will be on my tenth set of Joy-Con; after finally spending the last of my savings, my family and friends will have left me and I’ll be sleeping wherever I can. But none of that will matter, for I will have finally collected all the skins for my main, complete with a golden weapon skin and a cute player icon. Overwatch is all that will matter then, and we will be together forever.
Overwatch is coming to the Nintendo Switch on October 15, 2019. It will never stop telling me to play it, whispering to me constantly, like I am a prophet receiving messages from an angry god.
Please pray for me.